Why Physique?
Great question. We've been asking it for years.
The traditional fantasy sports industry is obsessed with "data." Target share. Air yards. Expected points added. Snap counts. Every year, the analytics get more complex. Every year, your league-mate Todd — who definitely doesn't understand any of it — still beats you.
We looked at this problem and asked: what if Todd just picked the guys who looked the most jacked?
We ran the numbers. We don't have the numbers anymore, but we ran them. The results were inconclusive, but we felt good about what we saw.
Fantasy Beefcakes was born.
Meet the Analysts
Big Russ
Senior Beefcake Analyst, Co-Founder
Russ has been watching sports for over 30 years, spending approximately 28 of those years focused on the players themselves rather than the action. He has never won a fantasy league. He has also never finished lower than 8th, which he considers a win. His areas of expertise include shoulder width, calf development, and what he calls "the look of a guy who does not skip leg day."
Russ's hot take: "If he's got a 32-inch neck, I don't care about the depth chart."
Gainz McAllister
Director of Physique Scouting, Co-Founder
Gainz (née Gerald) brings a more data-driven approach to the operation. He keeps a spreadsheet, though the columns are things like "arm thickness (estimated, inches)" and "vibe." He was once a fantasy analyst for a real website before being let go for "reasons related to the methodology." He doesn't want to talk about it. He's fine. He's better now.
Gainz's hot take: "I've never looked at a box score and I've never been happier."
The Beefcake Evaluation Framework™
Our proprietary BEF (patent pending, probably) breaks player evaluation into five categories:
Upper Body Mass
Chest, shoulders, traps, arms. The classics. Weighted heavily. No pun intended.
Lower Body Development
Particularly relevant for running backs and tight ends. Do not skip leg day. We notice.
Neck-to-Head Ratio
Our most controversial metric. A thick neck is a sign of dedication. Gainz invented this category.
General Presence
Does he look like a guy who eats? Does he look like a problem for linebackers? Trust the gut.
Warmup Footage
The real tape. The real scouting. The 30 minutes before kickoff when guys are just standing around looking massive.
Frequently Asked Questions
Has anyone won a fantasy league using your rankings?
We've received 0 confirmed reports of wins and 4 confirmed reports of last-place finishes. We are reviewing the data.
What if a very jacked player gets injured?
He was jacked when he was healthy and he'll be jacked when he comes back. We stand by our ranking.
Do you account for PPR vs. standard scoring?
We do not know what PPR stands for. We choose not to learn.
My running back looked great in warmups but only got 3 carries. What happened?
Coaching decisions. Outside our scope. He still looked great.
Can I advertise on Fantasy Beefcakes?
Only if your product is protein powder, resistance bands, or a foam roller.